My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
