Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
