Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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