i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
