So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
