Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
