I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
