it's too hot outside to masturbate.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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