I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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