I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
