we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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