I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
