The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
