I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
