Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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