had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
