everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
