I bet he comes in French.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
