phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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