I can tuck mytits in my pants
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
