Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
