we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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