Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
