I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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