I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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