Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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