I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
