I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
