Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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