i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
