Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
