Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
