he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
