So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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