How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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