you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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