whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Plan B is the new Plan A
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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