dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
