We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
