dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
