is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
