Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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