Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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