Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
