I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
