Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
