and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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