We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize