Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize