im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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