I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Say something about gay babies.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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