He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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