I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
