I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize