I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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