he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
