I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
