Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
