Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
