FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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