dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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