the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
