If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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