Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
