Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
