i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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