bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
