Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
