he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
