ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
